Warning: This is satire. Do not view if you require further explanation or counseling. Do not view if you suspect it is true instead. How upsetting would that be?

Joe Biden, the Democrat presidential candidate of 2020 (that’s the year, and has nothing to do with his clarity of vision or reasoning) is calling for a national mandate of “double bagging”—wearing two pairs of underwear—to fight the coronavirus.

In a moment marked by warmth and self-examination, Biden noted, “I have taken to heart the word by some that I often talk out of my a$$. I’m told this is prevalent by many in government, the media, academia, and Hollywood—and that I should have a position on this.” Biden continued, miraculously putting two thoughts together: “My position is that since I have called for a national mask mandate requiring all to wear masks—even when alone outside—to manage that, the sickness deal, you know the thing, c’mon man, the—not Ebola—Barack and I took care of that, you know, the other one, that’s now. What? I said that, didn’t I? No? Okay, so anyway, everybody should also wear a mask on their outlet down there to keep from spreading the infection thing when they talk out their a$$. Right? Yeah, okay? I got a thumbs up. I said that right.”

Biden was about to take questions from the press when he was whisked to the side of the stage and appeared to be administered oxygen. Live footage then showed him being assisted to his feet and helped out of the building with a heavy mask duct-taped over his mouth.

Instead, a Biden campaign press release on the subject was distributed. It noted that the virus is able to be spread by flatulence or other pronouncements emanating from that same place. To underscore the urgency of this appeal, it was noted that unlike climate change, which the candidate has said is allowing us only nine years to fully implement the Green New Deal to avoid the end of days, this new greatest existential threat had a much shorter time fuse of just nine weeks. Coincidentally, that would be when Joe is expected to be elected president, and everyone would be rallied to double bag as a show of unity. Before even taking office, Joe would save the world!

Cable news organizations immediately supported the Biden mandate and offered numerous testimonies of how this was the kind of real leadership that could never come from Donald Trump. Clips of physicians and scientists demonstrated how there are additional body openings in addition to mouths and noses from which the virus may be transmitted. Yes, they noted, most people do already wear underwear and attempt to social distance when they expect their next rectal rumination, but that was not sufficiently reliable. No, having considered inexpensive corks and elaborate collection apparatuses, a simple second pair of tight-fitting underwear would serve the purpose for America.

Joe did make another appearance later that same day, allaying any fears about his physical well-being, Though he did not speak, he confidently walked a short runway and posed for photographs. Then came the surprise reveal: Biden smiled broadly and pulled the waistbands of two pairs of underwear out the top of his pants. One had Batman figures and the logo, and the other, though imperfectly displayed, looked to say “epends.” CNN quickly attributed that to a sophisticated new smart electronic underwear of some sort, and the campaign embraced the narrative.

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