Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. What kind of monster would flaunt a last name like Cortez (with a “z”) or its variant, Cortes (with an “s”) that honors genocidal killers? Cortes only killed thousands of Indians and obliterated the Aztec civilization. That’s not very politically correct!
That would be the same kind of monster whose first name also celebrates Alexander the Great, another white conqueror, where by “conqueror,” we mean mass murderer. Alexander killed friends and enemies alike, and subjugated great amounts of Middle Eastern people. Not very politically correct! He also forced others into bizarre rites like mass weddings, himself took on multiple wives, and attempted to create his own new race. While he was reportedly bisexual (finally, something to cheer about!) he turned on the homosexual community by decimating the Sacred Band of Thebes—a supposedly “unbeatable” elite army made up of 150 pairs of male lovers. He killed gay people!
How can Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez live with herself? Her very name speaks to homophobia, enslavement, white supremacy, and genocide! Who is for that? Genocidal killers! Maybe all that “free this” and “free that” socialism babble is just a compensating mechanism for all the mess inside. Why would you choose a name that celebrates genocidal killers, and if you didn’t choose it to start, why would you choose to keep it? Cassius Clay became Muhammad Ali. Frances Gumm became Judy Garland. Peter Gene Hernandez became Bruno Mars. Norma Jeane Mortenson became Marilyn Monroe. You can do it, girl!
So two dubious names, just like Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee. And her third name, Ocasio, may just as well be of Irish derivation as Puerto Rican. Combined with her claim that she is also Jewish, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez may never be confused with the “Alex From The Block” she’d like to portray. What now for this promising Democrata? We can’t let her flame out over this!
Let’s help her! Let’s help her pick her new, PC name!
To be sure we get this right for her, let’s go to the source—the Democrat Party Platform—to generate names we know they would bless. From their “People” list, we see anything having to do with African Americans, the LGBTQ+ Community, and Women has been approved. And Civil Rights lead their “Issues” list. We could dig deeper into more specific issues there, but suitable names start to narrow quickly. Clean energy is great, but “biomass” has “mass” (or “ass”) in it and doesn’t sound very feminine. “Wind Turbine” sounds strangely Native American. Abortion offers few attractive naming opportunities: “Phoetice”? “Kurettage”?
On the other hand, African American offers almost endless naming opportunities. The thing is, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez doesn’t really come across like a “Mchumba,” or a “Ntombi.” The other problem with picking from one list is that it excludes the others, and we are told that exclusion is the opposite of diversity—and we must be diverse.
It really seems best to have three names from three of the categories, or if possible, to have the names each have meanings in each category. What’s more inclusive than that? And that got us thinking, what is the all-time most PC name?
It has to be Martin Luther King! Is there any city of any size in the United States that didn’t act to change a street name there to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue/Street/Boulevard? It’s unassailable! They made a lot of Kennedy Avenues/Streets/Boulevards too, but he’s white. Yuk! It’s settled: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should change her name to Martin Luther King!
Yes, yes, it’s already taken, and it’s masculine, and if we are to stoop to being gender binary, we should at least honor the gender claimed. So what could we do?
Change “Martin” to “Martina.” Martina Luther King.
But “Luther” is way too religious, too white, and too German. Religious, white, and German gets us right back to oppressive! Maybe Martin Luther King Jr’s parents can’t be blamed for their choice because they came from a different era when religion and some white people could still be respected, but that doesn’t mean we have to repeat the mistake. Still, we need to maintain the connection to Martin Luther King to make this work.
Given the penchant of Rep. Ocasio-Cortez to shake things up and tell people her version of the truth, how about this? Not “Luther,” but “Truther.” And it has a rapper feel to it! That’s diverse!
Martina Truther King.
Almost. We can plus this up. What about a word that celebrates Women and the LGBTQ+ Community? “King”? Down with patriarchy, down with heterosexuality!
Martina Truther Queen! It’s African American, LGBTQ+ Community, Women, Civil Rights, and Know-Better-Than-You, all rolled into one!
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, stop offending us. No more genocidal killers! And be true to yourself! Throw off the white supremacy, homophobia, patriarchy, enslavement, and genocide of your old name and regale us with the African American, LGBTQ+, Women, Civil Rights, and prescriptiveness embodied in the new!
Don’t you feel good when you help those who cannot help themselves?